Monday Nov 4. I will look back on 2013, which is nearly over, and remember it as a very tough year. I was talking with a good friend today about this year, and the term “forced time out” came to mind.
My consulting work has been in a lull. I haven’t had any job opportunities come through and the head part of me says that logically this must mean I am meant to be doing art full time, but every time I think about that, I panic about (not) making money. It has been a very challenging and particularly vicious cycle, emotionally and I have spent most of the year in an emotional fetal position, not getting much of anything accomplished.
Because I had done the visualization, I knew this year would be one of transformation. I saw that in March. I saw myself metaphorically suffocating, then unwinding and remaking myself – all with parts of my former self into a new and better way.
Somehow, knowing that was going on inside didn’t make it any easier. One rejection after another has been the hallmark of this year, though thankfully there has not been a lot of personal crisis. I’m physically healthy and fine, and so are all my kids. It has just been a toll on myself in terms of formerly being very successful and pretty much getting whatever I go after. Like my friend said today about when she was going through it herself: she “lost her giddy-up.” Like me, she is blessed with good parking karma. When we stop getting something we’ve been accustomed to getting – something we now feel entitled to – that puts a little kink in our panties.
After our coffee talk today, I realized the question for my stalled meditation sessions is not “What Am I” or “Who Am I” or “Who Am I Becoming,” but rather “What is Letting Go?” A rock saying just that – Let Go – is on the floor in my shower to remind me every day to loosen the grip. I watch water and soap fall on the rock, finish washing my hair, get out of the shower and promptly forget the message.
I asked in my meditation today “What is Letting Go?” What I saw was simple, clean and beautiful:
A white bird took off, flying to the east. High up, just gliding. Message was “observing” for now, what is down there. Things pass by, let them go. Things are coming up – can’t know or worry about what these are. Just let them all go by and observe, but don’t obsess.
Nighttime starts to fall, like when you are on a plane headed east. A bit quicker than “normal.” Bird stops and takes shelter on a branch of a tree looking down over a city with lights twinkling. Still observing and patiently waiting for sunrise.
Bird upon closer inspection is a pure white eagle. Large, calm, knowing, serene, beautiful.
Sunrise will come. Wait patiently. Let everything go by. Just observe.
A V A V A
Some wisdom about what this means:
Eagle’s medicine includes swiftness, strength, courage, wisdom, keen sight, illumination of Spirit, healing, creation, knowledge of magic, ability to see hidden spiritual truths, rising above the material to see the spiritual, ability to see the overall pattern/big picture, connection to spirit guides and teachers and higher truths, great power and balance, dignity with grace, intuitive and creative spirit, respect for the boundaries of the regions, grace achieved through knowledge and hard work.
The vision they possess helps us learn to take a step back and view the bigger picture. We need to view the past and the present objectively, whilst looking towards the future. We need to open our minds and hearts to see past old, restricting beliefs that are holding us back. Eagle teaches us to courageously face our fear of the unknown, so we are then able to fly as high as our heart’s joy can take us. Your strengths need to be utilised wisely and remember, to soar like Eagle you must view things with caution, being confident and trusting your abilities.
Eagle is also linked with courage. To give up our limited perspectives, to release ourselves from comfortable, familiar thought patterns, even when they don’t appear to be working, and fly into a larger world requires that we are brave enough to enter unknown realms.
Mental and emotional shapeshifting is sometimes necessary if we want to grow and learn. As with all things there are risks involved in allowing our beings to assume new forms, however the rewards are greater. Eagle asks us to recognize that the earth is not our only home, as well for us to join it in the flight to our true home – the world of Spirit.
Wednesday Nov 6. I want to keep things moving ahead so I do another visualization. I see the white eagle up in the tree and think to myself that if I am going to be doing vision quests for other people, maybe I should imagine my “self” in the third person in the visualization, as though I am doing on her behalf.
She (me) is sitting quietly, eyes closed, in a large darkish space. Nothing is around her. The eagle is in the tree, looking down. The question is: what is next for her (Laura)? The eagle flies erratically up as though to take off like a rocket ship, but its wings are flapping all over the place. It seems a bit unstable and worrisome. Stabilization happens and the eagle flies higher, into darkness that seems like it is the stratosphere. The next thing I see (as the visioner) is the eagle now flying back down toward her, and swooping her up in its talons. That seems treacherous at first, but then I look again, and see that the eagle is enveloping her and cradling her, while swiftly flying east again.
The eagle sets her down on a mountaintop – a precipice. It looks like somewhere you would see in Utah in a National Park. High up, a cool breeze blowing. A long long way down. The question – what is next. The fear – all alone. Upon further observation, there are lots of people down below, on a plateau of sorts. The energy of this situation is “surrounded by love.” Or supported by love. A man comes up behind her and puts his arm around her shoulders and cuddles her. The energy is “mate.” The feeling is safe and secure. At that moment, the white feathers of the eagle, unfurl down into a skirt on her that transforms into a billowy cloud-like rolling hill around all the people below who are now on the feathers. There is connection between the people and Laura. It is a peaceful and serene setting. Everything is going to be okay is the feeling tone of the moment.
More wisdom about what this might mean:
The plume of an Eagle Feather or fluff is white, billowy and soft. It represents the purity, lightness and gentleness of a child full of the spirit and so new to the cycle of life. The plume is distinctive and usually a token of honor.
The plume in the Cycle of Life is the beginning of the formative years, childhood. It is the age of innocence, pride and dreams – a time for bonding and attachment to relationships, values, attitudes, behaviors, personalities, character and to the environment. It is a time for security and integration.
Tuesday Nov 12 (11-12-13). I woke up in the middle of the night, probably around 4 am. This usually happens when something heavy is weighing on my mind – even if just a long-ish To Do list. I wanted to pick up where the vision of last week left off. This is a story that continues to evolve in itself and within itself, my transformation.
I was asleep at the precipice of the rocks. The rock I was laying on was flat and hard. My arms were stretched out in front of me, my cheek on the flat of the rock. It took a minute to open my eyes and for me to remember where I was. The safe comfort of the earlier time was gone. I was alone, and a light but cold wind was blowing across the top of the mountain where I lay.
Without getting up, I raised my head to look up, to the south. The sun was coming up to the east, across the valley below. Suddenly, I realized I was face to face with a wolf, hunched down at my eye level. The feeling was menacing. The air hung between us and I could hear the wolf breathing in and out and I’m sure she could hear me, panting and trying not to gasp audibly. I looked into her eyes and they were a clear, steel blue ringed around coal black pupils. The blue was icy. I listened again for the sound and there was a faint growling. Close enough to rip into my neck, I could not tell whether it would be life or death for me.
I looked into the eyes of the wolf, not at the icy blue and black, but beyond the black and deep down into the abyss that was the wolf’s soul. I reached with my eyes down in there. My gaze was met with a slowing of the wolf’s breathing. It felt calmer now between us. I became more calm too. Then the wolf and I merged together, energetically. I became the wolf and the wolf became me.
The wolf is a power animal symbolic of freedom. Wolf power or spirit animals point to an appetite for freedom and living life powerfully, guided by instincts. When a wolf manifests its presence as a guide in your life, it could be a call to live your life more freely, to bring the intensity of passion in your everyday endeavors.
A common meaning for the wolf spirit animal emphasizes the role of instincts, so having this animal as a guide or totem could point to your relationship with how you live your life, and more specifically how you trust or mistrust your instincts and intuitive guidance.
Wolves are wild animals that are not easily domesticated and when they appear as spirit guides, they could be an invitation to look at what supports your authentic self and the true expression of yourself.
The wolf totem is a reminder to keep your spirit alive and trust your instincts to find the way that will best suit you.
- Do you need time for yourself to reconnect with your true, deep passions in life?
- Do you need to find more isolation to “collect” yourself and reconnect to your personal, spiritual quest?
- Do you need time or help in distinguishing what is true and authentic from lies and deceit in communications with someone? Within yourself?
- Like the wolf that howls, do you need to let some of the tension out and express yourself loud and clear in your circle of close relationships?
